(Re)Building Your Confidence in Sobriety
I want confidence. I want my confidence back.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard these words coming from women looking to remove alcohol from their lives. I understand, because I wanted the same thing, too.
I spent decades drinking alcohol as a way to cope. Somewhere along the way I lost my confidence and I deeply wanted it back. But here’s the thing. Confidence isn’t something that can be bought or traded. (It’d certainly be something we’d all be lining up for if that was the case.)
Confidence is something that is built. Many of us start building our confidence at a young age. When we learn to walk, talk, or how to ride a bike. Fast forward a few years and think about when you scored the part in the school play, got accepted into your dream school. Or what about last week, when the woman sitting next to you at the cafe told you she loves your outfit, or last month when your friends complimented you for having such a nicely organized kitchen.
We build our confidence by taking an action and then seeing or experiencing a result that makes us feel good about what we did. We study hard, we experiment with our clothing, we give a great presentation at work, we practice the piano piece over and over until we can play it in our sleep.
When we talk about confidence, we are also talking about inner integrity. Building inner integrity is our life’s work. It’s how we live life in confidence and authenticity. It reflects how we want to show up in the world and present ourselves. Inner Integrity is about keeping promises to ourselves. When we honor our own commitments, we strengthen the foundation of our self-worth and pave the way for meaningful change.
Why do we lose our confidence?
But as is the case with things that are built, our confidence can also be broken. If we build our confidence by taking actions that make us feel good, we break our confidence by taking actions that make us feel bad. Or, by not taking the actions we said we were going to take.
Think about the last time you told yourself you’d do something, and then didn’t. Maybe it was getting up early to exercise, saying no to a draining commitment, or sticking to a habit you were building. How did it feel afterward? Disappointing, right? That disappointment chips away at our confidence and keeps us stuck.
We tell ourselves we won’t drink on weeknights, but 5 o’clock rolls around and we ignore the voice inside of us telling us to stick with the plan. We bail on plans with friends at the last minute. We sleep through our alarm, skip the workout, and show up late to work.
Alcohol chips away at our confidence over time because we stop taking the actions that result in us feeling good about them. We convince ourselves alcohol isn’t the problem. Yet we feel disconnected from this previous version of ourselves before the drinking.
Rebuilding your confidence through Inner Integrity
If you’ve found yourself thinking “I don’t feel confident”, or “I want my confidence back”, I want you to know that you can start rebuilding it. It’s a practice you can start today. Right now.
The best way to build confidence is to take small actions so that you will see results. Practice inner integrity. When we follow through on our promises—even small ones—it builds trust in ourselves. We start to feel aligned, grounded, and capable. This is what inner integrity looks like: living in a way where our actions reflect our values and desires.
This could be: It’s Friday night, I am not drinking tonight. Then, on Saturday morning you wake up and you are really proud of yourself because you didn’t drink and now you are not hungover on your Saturday.
Or it could be: My best friend’s birthday brunch is next Sunday. I’m going to bring along ingredients for a non-alcoholic mimosa. You pick up the ingredients days in advance and it turns out some of the other women there are thrilled to have an NA alternative. You drive home sober after the party, no embarrassing moments, no expensive taxi rides home. You feel proud of yourself.
Or maybe it is: I am going to replace my evening glass of wine with an evening yoga class. You feel so relaxed and transition from work mode into your family time with ease, and even treat yourself to some super cute yoga gear.
Here’s the truth: integrity is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it becomes. And just like any muscle, it can feel uncomfortable at first, but the results are worth it. If you are not feeling confident right now, I want you to believe that you can do this. Taking a small action every single day is going to help you get there. Keep going.
Your Support Is Here
You deserve to be confident. You have the ability to become a woman of her word. It’s there within you. I’ll teach you exactly how to build momentum through the smallest of actions so that your confidence is skyrocketing and you won’t want to stop. Stopping won’t even cross your mind because everyday you’ll feel closer to reaching your goals. Everything you want for yourself is possible. I will make you believe that.
I’ve been where you are standing right now. Looking in the mirror, laying in bed, thinking to yourself - how did I get here? As an accredited sober coach, I can provide you with the support and framework you need to start rebuilding your confidence, and living a beautiful life where you don’t even think about alcohol.
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